Well, actually, I hit it last week. I'm sick of being pregnant. And I have been really lucky to honestly have a very simple, easy, healthy pregnancy. So how much of a baby am I?
I was nervous what kind of pregnant person I would be. I think Chris probably was too. I'm very controlling and stubborn and I thought I would be miserable the entire time. But I got really lucky, which I credit to 3 factors: good genes, staying healthy and active throughout my entire pregnancy and just dumb luck. I have actually - for the most part - really enjoyed being pregnant, which I find completely surprising. While I am emotional and cry easily (seriously, the Olympics? I'm a fucking crying machine) I haven't had the gooey, lovey dovey feelings of being pregnant. You know how some women say being pregnant makes them feel so beautiful, or sexy, or purposeful? I don't really get that. Maybe I'm a cold hearted bitch, it just feels very scientific to me. And I mean that in the most loving way. I love getting to know the daughter inside of me and already feeling like she's my little buddy (it's pathetic how much of a personality I've already attached to her), but I've always just had a very factual opinion about being pregnant: I am growing a human inside of me, how do I grow you the best way that I can?
I am already a pretty good eater and work out a lot. I like being active, I like being healthy. So being pregnant continued that. It was also really important to me to be laid back. I would eat well, but if I wanted cake after dinner or fried food - I would eat it. I like working out, but if one day I was tired and didn't get enough sleep - I'd give myself a break. And I tried not to give myself a hard time about it. Really early on I noticed that when I got worked up over something, Cashew would get worked up in my belly. I don't know if I wanted to feel that or if there actually is some science behind a baby feeling the hormonal difference of stress or anger from their mom, but I tried to keep it together for her sake. If Chris has 2 women in the house who scream at bad drivers, people being inefficient and just getting annoyed all the time, well, I know he may go insane :)
So for 40 1/2 weeks I worked hard, ate well, worked out, and enjoyed my little lady in my belly. I tried to really act no different being pregnant than not being pregnant. I still worked on the house (just more carefully and some things I couldn't do or needed Chris' help with), I still kept up all my jobs and I was still active. Being pregnant didn't mean it was time to kick my feet up on the couch for 9 months. Aside from being slower towards the end I feel like I was a good pregnant lady
But last Monday, after I mulched our yard and spent nearly the entire next day on the couch I hit my breaking point.
I had the energy to mulch, so I did. But man, that wrecked me for 2 days and I finally felt what it was really like to be full-term pregnant - sometimes things make you tired. For the most part if I worked really hard one day, the next I was a tad slower, so I just didn't do as much, but I still got stuff done. But Monday and Tuesday of last week I was a hot mess - and I hated it. I hate not being able to work hard, I hate having to "take it easy" (seriously, don't tell me to take it easy, I hate hearing that) and for really the first time the entire pregnancy I got really frustrated. For some reason, being tired and sore for 2 days has thrown me for a complete emotional loop that I have since not entirely recovered. I am grumpy, I am fatigued, I am just ready to meet my daughter.
Today I am 41 weeks 5 days pregnant and if our lady doesn't decide to come naturally over the next 2 days we'll be induced on Wednesday. And that makes me feel like I've failed. Nowadays Dr.'s get overly excited and like to induce at 41 weeks, but I've been very healthy this pregnancy and it has been uncomplicated so our doctor was on board when we pushed to go past 41 weeks before they induced us. I am thankful for that and I have really loved our doctor. My brother and I were both 2 weeks late and made my mom go into labor the night before we were set to be induced (what sick little jokes we decided to play on her), so really I know it must be nature's way of paying me back. Sorry mom :)
Chris got upset when I told him being induced made me feel like I've failed. I told him I knew it was stupid and made absolutely no sense, but for some reason, it makes me feel like that. I don't know why. And I literally sat here for a few minutes trying to figure out how to explain why it makes me feel like I've failed, and I can't verbalize it. She has tricked us a few times. A month ago I spent a Sunday afternoon having contractions for 4-5 hours that then just went away. That sucked. Last Monday they lasted for about 2 1/2, and then went away. For the last 10 days or so I have contractions every night and for the most part I just ignore them now and go to bed. I don't even tell Chris half the time because I know they'll go away and I don't want him to get excited.
And those old wives tales? Total bullshit. (Earmuffs parents and family members): sex, spicy food, walking - no, they don't work. I've done plenty of all of them and there is still a human growing in my belly. Seriously, if one more person tells me to go for a walk to induce labor I may punch them in the face. Walk? I'm pretty sure if mulching my entire front yard by myself, helping Chris hang trim (which we finally made progress on this past weekend), work on all 3 of my jobs which involve running around all over town haven't made me go into labor, then a leisurely stroll isn't going to do jack shit
But really I just want to meet her. I have enjoyed feeling her in my belly, developing a connection with her, seeing Chris talk to her and having him feel her punch, kick and roll all around. I want us to have her here with us: get to see her develop, get to teach her things, and just get to have this awesome little buddy. I can't wait to see what kind of person she is. I can't wait to love her even more than I do now. I just want to get to hold you my little Cashew. I can't wait to meet you.