6.03.2013

Ugh, I'm Sick of Being Pregnant

First off, let me say this post is a total fucking pity party, so feel free to skip it. Second, I realize that I am beyond lucky to have gotten pregnant and I have many friends who have tried (or are trying) for years to get pregnant to no avail and so I feel like a complete selfish bitch complaining about the gift of getting to grow a little human in me, but you know, sometimes you just hit your breaking point. And I've hit it.

Well, actually, I hit it last week. I'm sick of being pregnant. And I have been really lucky to honestly have a very simple, easy, healthy pregnancy. So how much of a baby am I?

I was nervous what kind of pregnant person I would be. I think Chris probably was too. I'm very controlling and stubborn and I thought I would be miserable the entire time. But I got really lucky, which I credit to 3 factors: good genes, staying healthy and active throughout my entire pregnancy and just dumb luck. I have actually - for the most part - really enjoyed being pregnant, which I find completely surprising. While I am emotional and cry easily (seriously, the Olympics? I'm a fucking crying machine) I haven't had the gooey, lovey dovey feelings of being pregnant. You know how some women say being pregnant makes them feel so beautiful, or sexy, or purposeful? I don't really get that. Maybe I'm a cold hearted bitch, it just feels very scientific to me. And I mean that in the most loving way. I love getting to know the daughter inside of me and already feeling like she's my little buddy (it's pathetic how much of a personality I've already attached to her), but I've always just had a very factual opinion about being pregnant: I am growing a human inside of me, how do I grow you the best way that I can?


I am already a pretty good eater and work out a lot. I like being active, I like being healthy. So being pregnant continued that. It was also really important to me to be laid back. I would eat well, but if I wanted cake after dinner or fried food - I would eat it. I like working out, but if one day I was tired and didn't get enough sleep - I'd give myself a break. And I tried not to give myself a hard time about it. Really early on I noticed that when I got worked up over something, Cashew would get worked up in my belly. I don't know if I wanted to feel that or if there actually is some science behind a baby feeling the hormonal difference of stress or anger from their mom, but I tried to keep it together for her sake. If Chris has 2 women in the house who scream at bad drivers, people being inefficient and just getting annoyed all the time, well, I know he may go insane :)


So for 40 1/2 weeks I worked hard, ate well, worked out, and enjoyed my little lady in my belly. I tried to really act no different being pregnant than not being pregnant. I still worked on the house (just more carefully and some things I couldn't do or needed Chris' help with), I still kept up all my jobs and I was still active. Being pregnant didn't mean it was time to kick my feet up on the couch for 9 months. Aside from being slower towards the end I feel like I was a good pregnant lady


But last Monday, after I mulched our yard and spent nearly the entire next day on the couch I hit my breaking point.


I had the energy to mulch, so I did. But man, that wrecked me for 2 days and I finally felt what it was really like to be full-term pregnant - sometimes things make you tired. For the most part if I worked really hard one day, the next I was a tad slower, so I just didn't do as much, but I still got stuff done. But Monday and Tuesday of last week I was a hot mess - and I hated it. I hate not being able to work hard, I hate having to "take it easy" (seriously, don't tell me to take it easy, I hate hearing that) and for really the first time the entire pregnancy I got really frustrated. For some reason, being tired and sore for 2 days has thrown me for a complete emotional loop that I have since not entirely recovered. I am grumpy, I am fatigued, I am just ready to meet my daughter.

Today I am 41 weeks 5 days pregnant and if our lady doesn't decide to come naturally over the next 2 days we'll be induced on Wednesday. And that makes me feel like I've failed. Nowadays Dr.'s get overly excited and like to induce at 41 weeks, but I've been very healthy this pregnancy and it has been uncomplicated so our doctor was on board when we pushed to go past 41 weeks before they induced us. I am thankful for that and I have really loved our doctor. My brother and I were both 2 weeks late and made my mom go into labor the night before we were set to be induced (what sick little jokes we decided to play on her), so really I know it must be nature's way of paying me back. Sorry mom :)


Chris got upset when I told him being induced made me feel like I've failed. I told him I knew it was stupid and made absolutely no sense, but for some reason, it makes me feel like that. I don't know why. And I literally sat here for a few minutes trying to figure out how to explain why it makes me feel like I've failed, and I can't verbalize it. She has tricked us a few times. A month ago I spent a Sunday afternoon having contractions for 4-5 hours that then just went away. That sucked. Last Monday they lasted for about 2 1/2, and then went away. For the last 10 days or so I have contractions every night and for the most part I just ignore them now and go to bed. I don't even tell Chris half the time because I know they'll go away and I don't want him to get excited.

And those old wives tales? Total bullshit. (Earmuffs parents and family members): sex, spicy food, walking - no, they don't work. I've done plenty of all of them and there is still a human growing in my belly. Seriously, if one more person tells me to go for a walk to induce labor I may punch them in the face. Walk? I'm pretty sure if mulching my entire front yard by myself, helping Chris hang trim (which we finally made progress on this past weekend), work on all 3 of my jobs which involve running around all over town haven't made me go into labor, then a leisurely stroll isn't going to do jack shit


But really I just want to meet her. I have enjoyed feeling her in my belly, developing a connection with her, seeing Chris talk to her and having him feel her punch, kick and roll all around. I want us to have her here with us: get to see her develop, get to teach her things, and just get to have this awesome little buddy. I can't wait to see what kind of person she is. I can't wait to love her even more than I do now. I just want to get to hold you my little Cashew. I can't wait to meet you.

19 comments:

Kathie said...

Oh Meryl. If I knew you I'd offer up a hug. The end of pregnancy sucks in my book because you just want to meet the little person already. I too, felt like I failed. And then I realized as my kid has turned into a toddler...I may feel like that a lot over the next (insert number here) years. I'm sending happy baby thoughts your way and hope that you get exactly the delivery of this little girl that you want and deserve!

Jessica said...

I'm sure you've heard that first babies are usually late. Of my three pregnancies, my first went the longest by far--he was 41 weeks while the other two were both just under 37 weeks. I had to be induced with the first two and I ended up with a C-section for the third, so needing some help is not uncommon! I hope she decides to come out on her own and you get to meet her soon. Good luck!

meryl rose said...

Thanks you wonderful ladies, I send you a big huge virtual hug ** :) **

Heather said...

Pregnant women and mothers are subject to so much scrutiny and judgment that I totally understand why you'd feel the way you do. I hope she comes soon--you're doing such a great job being pregnant.

Deb said...

I really hope this makes you laugh.....

http://adventureswiththehenrys.blogspot.com/2012/01/so-baby-shower-got-me-thinking.html

Hang in there girl! We're all cheering for you :)

XOXO Deb

scotdog98 said...

Ahhhhh, I just can't imagine going so long past your due date. I was SOOOO ready and 5 days early. My doctor was inducing because he was going to be out of town over the weekend. I was ok with it, because I didn't want a doctor that I didn't know. Ended up going into labor naturally the night before. I hope that will happen for you too, but if not, we have to do what we have to do :) Good luck and God Speed!!

1914house said...

Glad that you've been feeling well for so long. And I definitely understand being ready to just be done! Hope she comes along on her own. But if she doesn't, that's just how your/her story goes :)

kelly said...

Sounds like 42 week pregnancies run in the genes... just the way your body works... no failure or defect, just the natural timespan for you. When you're 40+ weeks pregnant even when you sit on the couch all day your body is hard at work! But I get that you just want to transition into parenthood, just think by next week this time you'll be holding your daughter in your arms...

worry wort said...

Love the article. Cashew is taking her sweet ass time, but you and Chris are going to be great parents.

Anonymous said...

All three of my pregnancies were 42 weeks, I feel your pain. The doctors will intervene and you will feel much better. Don't feel like a failure. I swear my third still would not be here if they hadn't gone in and pulled him out. Interestingly, my kids always run late now.
Margaret

em said...

Dude. We have such similar pregnancy views... And pregnancies! You are not a failure. If anything you are too good an incubator! Hang in there and Wednesday at the latest!!! You know I sort of liked having late babies. If she were born already she would be getting older and now you get to look forward to the newborn smell instead of being wistful that she is growing. And do not feel bad for complaining, you have been a champion and we are so excited for you. Xoxo

meryl rose said...

Thank you so much everyone, seriously, all your comments made me cry, and it's not just pregnancy hormones, I promise :) I'm lucky to have so many wonderful people say so many wonderful things :) :) :)

Deb said...

She's on her way and you guys will be great parents! But...if you have a bunch of contractions today or tomorrow, please don't ignore them. I almost pushed my first out on the toilet at home thinking I needed to go to the bathroom because I was ignoring what I thought were "just" still more Braxton-Hicks!! I swear...the nurse had a fit when I got to the hospital and she did an exam. She was shrieking "DON'T PUSH ANY MORE!" My oldest (now 34) was born 30 minutes later. Good times :)

Bunny @ 86n It said...

41 weeks 5 days?
You are allowed to bitch and complain and vent all you want!

If anyone gives you grief,give me their number. I'll give THEM grief!

paint it yellow said...

I just want to wish you the best of luck and echo everyone's comment that you have the right to be miserable! I like what someone said about this must be how your body works. Who said 40 weeks is God anyway? My daughter was born at 35 weeks, total surprise. But she was nearly 7 lbs! If she had gone full-term, she would have been huge. For a moment I felt like a failure too, but I guess that's just how my body worked. I wish you a happy, healthy and speedy delivery. Enjoy your little cashew!

Laurie said...

My first two were 2 weeks late, and I remember thinking, "Oh, the swelling is just going to go down, I'm not really gonna have this baby...." and then I did. Hang in there, you've done great and that didn't end on your due date! However you have your baby, it's normal and perfect! This is all new and you don't have to measure up to any expectations, your own included! You'll be a new mom pretty soon!

Emily said...

*long-distance, perfect-stranger hugs*

My first was born 40wks and 6 days. I never say late, since there is no expiration date. Due dates are guestimations.

I am currently 37 wks and 4 days. As her Big Sister is going on vaca the week before I'm due, I have a lot of pressure to go into labor that week, but it happens when it happens.

Take lots of walks, don't take it personally. You are healthy, she is healthy, and that is what matters.

Sara @ Russet Street Reno said...

You have not failed, but I know what you mean. I felt the same way when I was induced at 40 wks 5 days. My doc said NO WAY to waiting any longer, I'm sure if I had pushed it I could've, but she scared me of course. Induction is horrible, I won't lie. But everyone is different and you might go naturally, or you might have an easy induction. I was just really disappointed by my entire birth experience and that is why I didn't even want to do a post about it on the blog. You deserve a medal for going this long, although I have to admit that I really disliked pregnancy until the last month, I loved the last few weeks because I stopped gaining weight, had good energy, and looked effin CUTE with my regular-sized body and enormous belly! If I do say so myself....ha! You are doing great, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about thinking it sucks, there is always someone out there with problems worse than yours, so you can't apologize for your feelings. I'm sending you natural delivery vibes!!

meryl rose said...

Thank you thank you thank you everyone :)