The thing I’ve learned about parenting is that there is ALWAYS another opinion. Friends, family, doctors, nurses – everyone has an opinion about everything. And while sometimes this is frustrating, I also find it refreshing. Especially when talking to friends. Internet friends also 🙂 I’ve decided to start guest blogging on “Family Fridays” (as you wonderful readers have dubbed it), for what I’ll call “Adopted Family Friday.” Maybe once a month or once every 6 weeks or so I hope to have someone else write a guest post about their experiences parenting, problems, solutions, gear they love, activities that are great – you name it. I love getting other perspectives on parenting and I have valued all of your opinions so much as Chris and I have taken on our new role as parents and loved the honesty and camaraderie that this blog has created. So without further ado, here is the first Adopted Family Friday guest post!

By way of introduction, I’m Deb (of The Henry Family Adventures) – a 40 something wife and mom to two girls – Olivia (13) and Sydney (10).  We live on the east coast in a 1970’s colonial house that we’re repainting, reflooring, knocking down walls in and generally turning into the house of our dreams.   In our spare time, we are raising two teenage/preteen girls and trying to not lose our minds in the process.

As a mom to older kids, I often read blog posts from moms detailing the joy and the struggles that come with being a new mom and I find myself nodding my head and having flashbacks to my own first days as a mom.  I’m not gonna lie – those first few months and even years are tough.  But, much like labor and delivery, you forget the bad parts and wax nostalgic for the good.    I love to live vicariously through all of you new moms and heaven knows I’ve stuck my nose in a few times and offered advice whether it was asked for or not.  One of the people who have gotten an earful (or two) from me is Meryl.  I started reading her blog and became enamored with her house and all that she and Chris have done to it.  Luckily, she had Zoe and now I can get my DIY fix AND my baby fix all in one spot. 

Meryl asked me to share a few things that I’ve learned over the years.  I am by NO means any sort of expert – as a matter of fact, I have screwed up this whole mom thing more times than I can count.  But maybe my mistakes and the things I’ve learned over the last 13 years can benefit all you new moms out there 😉

*              Enjoy them while they are young because they will grow in to teenagers who hate you.

stolen from here

This little nugget was spoken by husband just the other night.  And while it’s a bit of an exaggeration, let me say that it is, for the most part, true.  They won’t think you’re cool, they won’t want to be seen in public with you, everything you do will be completely unfair, you’ll be “SO annoying” and will be voted “The worst parents EVER” by everyone under the age of 18 in your household. And that’s Ok – because eventually they will grow up, regain their sanity and become pleasant people again.  We hope.   (And those of you with sweet little babies who coo and blow bubbles and are generally the most adorable things ever right now are reading this and thinking I’m crazy because your child will NOT be like this.  And I totally get it – because I once felt that way too). 

*              You MUST keep the connection with your spouse strong. 

stolen from here

This is for many reasons.  You have to be on the same page because one day your children will gang up on you (if you have more than one) or use the “divide and conquer” tactic (which works for one child or multiple children).  It’s surprising how instinctive this is for kids.  If you are a united front, they eventually realize they aren’t going to be able to change your mind.  (And when they whine uncontrollably for hours after realizing this, you can always send them to their room.  So there’s that.)    My husband is my rock, my defender and my shoulder to cry on when things get bad.  I have two girls – THINGS GET BAD.  You can’t have three hormonal women in the same house and not expect that there will be screaming, crying and things randomly flying across the room.  But Brian always has my back – and my girls know it. 

*              Never underestimate the power of “alone time”.  For me, that’s reading or exercising.  I used to believe that if you saw me running, it would be because Pennywise the clown was chasing me {shudder}, so you should probably run too.  However, at the age of 40 I discovered the immense stress relief it provided me.  I’ve heard many others say this but it’s true – when I’m stressed out, upset, angry, whatever – getting out and running it off helps.  Immensely.   At night I read – it’s an escape and way for me to turn off my brain before I go to sleep.  And I am trying to convince Brian to clear a spot in the unfinished basement so that I can have a space all to myself to chuck glassware against the concrete block walls.  Throwing crap really seems to help me when I’m pissed off.  (And better that some cheap glassware get broken than something expensive, amiright? I’m kidding.  Kinda.)    The point is, find your stress reliever.  And USE it.   You’ll be a better mom because of it.

*              Don’t be afraid to argue in front of your kids.  This is a hot topic for many people.  I, personally, do NOT want my girls to think that life is sunshine and roses 24/7, because it’s not.  Brian and I argue – sometimes playfully, sometimes passionately.  *DISCLAIMER – I am NOT talking about blasting your spouse in front of the kids because he was flirting with the neighbor or because one of you spent your life savings on gambling.  Obviously there are things your kids do NOT need to know.*      We don’t generally hide our arguments from the kids unless it’s a subject they are too young to know about (although we keep the language to a minimum).   People ask me sometimes “Don’t you scare them???”   Honestly?  I doubt it.  Because while they see two people that they love arguing and yelling and crying sometimes (I’m a frustration/anger crier – I hate it) they also see two people who manage to work through it and compromise and say “I’m sorry” and not hold grudges and still love each other no matter what.  In my opinion, that’s more important.  We aren’t the Cleavers and we have to work through our problems, not slap a smile on our faces and ignore them.   Arguments are normal.   And I don’t want them to think that every argument is the end of the world or the end of a relationship. 

*              Be confident in yourself, your beliefs and your instincts as a mom. 

stolen from here

I wish someone had told me this when I was a new mom.   Let’s face it – moms can be  “judge-y” of each other (something that REALLY pisses me off the older I get) and new moms often look to women who already have children for advice.  You can be the most independent, confident woman in the world – until someone puts a baby in your arms and you realize that it’s YOUR responsibility to raise that baby to become a productive, loving, successful person – and suddenly you are plagued by doubts and insecurities.  A lot of things that I did or didn’t do when Olivia was a baby or young toddler were due to my total fear of doing something wrong and letting others influence me based on their style of parenting.  DO NOT DO THIS.  One of my biggest regrets as a parent is not following my own instincts.  Nothing earth shattering, mind you, but little things that I look back on and just cringe.  I’m much more confident now and have distanced myself from some of those people who questioned my parenting decisions and made me doubt myself.    The only people who matter when it comes to raising your children are you and your partner.  Period.  Grandparents and friends are great resources and support, but ultimately, you know what’s best for your child.  Don’t ever let anyone make you feel otherwise.

*              Don’t try to do it all.  I will confess that I have played into the “I have to give my kids every experience, every memory, every tradition that I can possibly give them so that they have the happiest childhood EVER and I have to document EVERY SECOND and EVERY MILESTONE”.   And then feel guilty when I fall short.  Which is often (I mean really – how many people actually caught their child’s first steps on video in front of all their friends and family  on their first birthday during the most amazing birthday party ever thrown?  I’m going to say maybe one in a million).  I think this is harder for moms nowadays because there are Blogs.  And Pinterest.  And Facebook.  All of which tend to make us feel a wee bit inadequate at times.  Remember that as hard as you try, the memories that stick with your kids are going to be the most random things in the world.  Sometimes the little things become the big things.

And finally…

*              RELAX.  Stop and enjoy it.  I wish I was better at this and as the kids get older, I’m trying to appreciate the time we are together because, it sounds so cliché’, it really does go by so fast.  I blink and a year goes by.  Wasn’t it only yesterday that we brought Sydney home from the hospital?  Wasn’t it just last week that Olivia snuggled her little body next to mine and watched Cinderella for the 100^thtime?   Those early years of parenthood were some of the hardest in my life but I would go back to them in a half a second if I could.  Cherish them and enjoy them.

And have plenty of cocktails available for those tough days.